Tips and Trix: Driving in Southern China

Surviving in a foreign country is a daily event for many foreigners.  And until the zombie apocalypse arrives, the next most likely thing to kill you in China are the drivers.  In the interests of the continuing propagation of the Caucasian race I have made a list of a few tips to keep you alive in a country that is actively trying to covertly kill you through vehicular manslaughter.

– As a pedestrian you have no rights.  If a car hits you it was your fault for getting in his way, even on the sidewalk.  As such, don’t go walking around drunk.  Not only are you probably going to get mugged, beaten up, mugged again, and lose your pants, you will be very incapable getting out of the way of cars.

– turn signals are decoration out here, don’t trust someone to use them when they should or even use them properly.

– nobody uses their head lights until the sun is completely down and then they start using their high beams with abandon.

– if you ever start driving there is a golden rule: if you are in front of someone, you can do whatever the hell you want and they have to let you do it.  The same goes for the person in front of you…

– traffic lights are few and far between, so chances are you will need to jay walk constantly.  Don’t be afraid, be confident, be strong, and try not to do it in song.

– crossing the street is like a game of frogger.  Don’t be afraid to stop halfway to let a car go past.  This is fine during the day, but at night all bets are off.

– proper cross walks are even rarer than traffic lights.  Usually a cross walk simply means:  if you’re going to get killed crossing the street you should do it here.

– motorbikes are not vehicles.  Don’t forget this.  Bicycles aren’t either.  Don’t try to think you can get uppity because that overloaded semi will only think about how long it will take to clean you off his grill.

– carry lost of small bills.  You’re going to stumble onto a toll booth whenever you go onto the highway and you need to pay to get on and get off.

– speed limits are like lemmings; don’t make the mistake of actually following them.

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