You know, I kinda figured that Christmas decorations being thrown up in malls, shopping centers, retail stores, and the bus depot was a thing we white folks like to do. It was our own little eccentricity that really showed both our unhealthy obsession and extreme desire to unsubtly remind even our bright eyed progeny that for the next month our lives will become a fiesta of mayhem, pressure, shopping on four legs, spending like a deranged Liberal PM before an election, and filling out Christmas cards.
I was wrong.
Apparently China has decided to adopt, at least a facade of, this tradition. In shopping malls, supermarkets, and bus stations are the signs of Christmas: festive work shirts, red and white hats, plastic evergreen boughs, Christmas trees, obese ex-government agents in sleds, and the coupe-de-grace: Christmas music.
And not only have the Chinese adopted this, the other teachers tell me people all over these Asian nations are celebrating this holiday! And apparently they are celebrating it without even the knowledge that this holiday is in rememberence the day when like Jolly Old Saint Nick rose from the dead after the Rudolpus Maximus of Rome staked him in the desert like a vampire! Well, I will not stand for this! People celebrating Christmas without knowing the truth is a terrifying prospect! How will they know that we bring Christmas trees into our homes to drive away the spirits of Vampiric Romans!
To this end, I have procured some talismans to help my students know the truth!
-A Christmas tree from home
-A firm belief that I would have brought them candy canes if I could find them
-A Santa Hat
-Barenaked for the Holidays – The Barenaked Ladies
But the most important talisman is ancient and steeped in tradition. For many months I used its fabled powers to ward off evil in my family home until it was stolen by Alwynia Prima Abyssum: Vince Guaraldi’s A Charlie Brown Christmas.
Merry Christmas everyone. May it snow, may it be jolly, and may you get completely snookered on eggnog.