The Hyborian Hypothesus

First things first: Thank you for the suggestions everyone.  The classes this week are going well with modern music.  I’m having trouble getting them to understand the music lyrics, but I think that is a matter of my choice of song rather than their understanding.  I feel a little guilty for not talking or discussing the bad side to pop music in the 90s, but I just can’t bring myself to talk about it.

I tried on some of my clothes today, and I can honestly say I have lost weight.  People keep asking about this, so I want to make it clear right now.  yes, weight has been lost.  No, I do not know how much, and no, I am not going to speculate on how much.  You will just have to live in suspense.

My diet has changed significantly.  I’ve forgotten what ice cream tastes like, I haven’t had any milk in quite some time(although I may have had it in some drinks, I’m not entirely sure).  I use a non-dairy creamer rather than milk or cream mostly because I don’t want to spend a weekend creating a unique relationship with my porcelain throne.  The ring of fire has reared its ugly head a few times since I came to China, less than I thought it would, but more than I ever needed it to.

And speaking of my frozen throne, I gotta say I am really missing a large bathroom with the shower in a separate compartment.  It’s getting really old that every time I take a shower I have to dry off the toilet because it’s covered in water.   And I have to maneuver all of my bathroom things to the other side of the room so that they don’t set soaked.  And I have special set of slippers, codename Michael and Caine, for the bathroom since it’s so wet in there.  I’m going to have to give that mold spot on my wall the Vote soon, it’s getting pretty close to sentience.  I’m hoping it will order pizza by the end of the year.

But living out here has given me a new outlook on life.  As Robert E. Howard once wrote for his famous Mary Sue character Conan the Barbarian what the best things in life are (to crush your enemies, see them driven before you and hear the lamentations of their women)*.  Respectfully, he was wrong and Conan is a chump.

The best things in life are:  lavatory paper, hot water, and coffee.

*This sentence is wrong.  The quote actually comes from John Milius discussing Genghis Khan.  Thanks to Al Harron for the correction.  I’m pretty sure the line was used in one of the movies, but I could still be wrong and have this completely bungled.

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